Bobby Shaw

Comedywriter
Imonthebandwagon.com

SKETCH: SPECIAL NEWS REPORT


Camera opens with a news anchor sat in the studio.

ANCHOR: And now we join Lucy Ramsay as we look at her special report.

Camera cuts to show a house in the middle of a housing estate. The house is covered in egg.

REPORTER V/O: This egg covered house belongs to a man called Trevor Hubberd, an IT technician from Shrewsbury. Every day, Trevor, is the victim of terrible, harrowing abuse. All because, he is the last living descendant of Judas.

Camera show’s Trevor leaving his house for work.

REPORTER V/O: Trevor, or “Judas” as he is known by the local community, faces persecution every day just because of his ancestry.

Cut to a interview with Trevor.

TREVOR: Every day I have to put up with abuse and judgement. My house get’s ‘egged’ every night and people gather outside to shout abuse.

REPORTER: Have you considered moving?

TREVOR: I’ve moved several times, but I get it where ever I go.

REPORTER V/O: Trevor is also famously known as the only person to ever get abuse off the ‘Myspace’ creators for switching to ‘Facebook’.

Cut to a interview with two members of the public

REPORTER V/O: I caught up with two members of the public that were spotted outside his house, shouting abuse.

REPORTER: Why do you feel the need to subject Trevor to this treatment?

MAN 1: He’s Judas!

REPORTER: He’s not actually Judas, just the last living descendant.

MAN 2: Nope, I work for a local broadband provider and last week, after three years of customer service, he rang up to tell us he was switching!

MAN 1: (
Annoyed) Oooh bloody typical!

Cut to shot of local church.

REPORTER V/O: Despite his heritage, Trevor believes he is a devote Christian and makes weekly attempts to attend church, only to be chased out by the Vicar, with a brush.

Cut to interview with Trevor

TREVOR: I have been refused service from several different shop’s. I’m actually banned from America even though I have no police record what so ever. It’s ridiculous really. I have to suffer because of what one of my ancestors did.

REPORTER V/O: Trevor says, he never lets it bother him though, despite how bad it gets.

TREVOR: I just keep reminding myself that I have done nothing wrong. People get carried away with things when it comes to religion. There was a period where I was really down and I actually managed to track down the last descendent of Pontius Pilot because I thought we would have something in common. It was a bloke named Jeff from Birmingham. But he wanted to distance himself from the whole affair.

REPORTER V/O: Trevor now hopes to focus on his career and has learnt to ignore the abuse.

TREVOR: It never gets any worse than the ‘egging’ or abuse in the streets. I can be the bigger man and ignore it because I can’t imagine it getting any worse than that. (Smiles) I will always see it coming. Things will look up.

REPORTER V/O: That was a special report, from Lucy Ramsey.

Camera cuts back to the news Anchor.

ANCHOR: Thank you, Lucy, for that brilliant, professional report on that shitbag. We would like to point out that this report is three days old and since then, Trevor, has actually had his house burnt down. It’s safe to say, Judas, didn’t see that coming. That’s all from me, Nigel Steel.

 

MICKY Episode 3

(Source: youtube.com)

'MICKY' Episode 2

MICKY Episode 1

A documentary crew follow Micky, a unemployed man living in Derry, Northern Ireland. He is one of thousands of people that is living with unemployment, but also has another challenge to overcome….

(Source: http)

A teaser for the upcoming web series ‘MICKY’

'MICKY' - Comedy Web Series

'Micky' is the brand new comedy web series by EPR, which will be set in Derry, Ireland.

Next week the first episode will be available online. It is being filmed over the next 6 weekends with a new episode coming each week.

More info to come…….

Scandal At The BBC

Shot opens with a meeting in a BBC boardroom. A BBC executive is sat behind a desk while his PA is stood in front of him. The executive looks tired.

EXECUTIVE: Right, I have called you in to go over the last month’s events, regarding this scandal that has rocked the BBC. Have you gathered all the information?

ASSISTANT: I have.

EXECUTIVE: How bad is it?

ASSISTANT: Quite bad, yeah.

EXECUTIVE: Start from the top.

ASSISTANT: Well the claims span over a total of 60 years.

EXECUTIVE: Christ.

ASSISTANT: And there are over 300 claims, so far.

EXECUTIVE: (Shakes head in disbelief) How do this go un-noticed!?

ASSISTANT: These things just get over looked sir. He was loved by kids all over the country! We can’t be to blame.

EXECUTIVE: (Still shaking his head) We gave him his own TV show. We should of listened to the rumours.

ASSISTANT: Well that’s all they were at the time Sir. Just rumours. Besides, he was untouchable.

EXECUTIVE: I know but I still can’t believe it. Roland Rat!

ASSISTANT: I know.

EXECUTIVE: Have any BBC employee’s come forward?

ASSISTANT: Not yet. There are rumours that Sooty was actually a victim but kept him mouth shut. Some say that is why he is so jaded.

EXECUTIVE: Poor little bastard.

ASSISTANT: An anonymous allegation claims that Mr Blobby was also targeted by Mr Rat, but obviously, with Mr Blobby’s condition, he probably didn’t know what was going on.

EXECUTIVE: What about outside the BBC?

ASSISTANT: Jim Henson Studio’s have lodged a complaint made by a couple of their Muppet’s. They claim that, during a visit to the BBC for a interview on Parkinson, in 1996, ‘Beaker’ was lured into Mr Rat’s dressing room where Beaker claims Mr Rat got hold of him and (Reads from his report) (Impression of Beaker) “Mee mee me meep” all over his face.

EXECUTIVE: (Disgusted) Oh God

ASSITANT: I know.

EXECUTIVE: What was this I heard about a documentary, that was going to expose Mr Rat a few years ago?

ASSISTANT: Well there were allegations made a few years ago. Suspicions were raised when an audio recording of Mr Rat, talking to his biographer, was found of him, defending Emu’s actions of groping female celebrities. A documentary was put together but pulled from boradcast at the last minute.

EXECUTIVE: Do we know why?

ASSISTANT: We are still trying to find out. It has also emerged, in the last few days, that he had unrestricted access to keys to ‘Sesame Street’.


EXECUTIVE: (Shocked) Who authorised that?

ASSISTANT: It’s because he was a volunteer.

EXECUTIVE: (Sighs) After he died. Did he leave any evidence behind?

ASSISTANT: There were prototypes of ‘Rat Fan’ badges that were found in his house. They had messages on them.

EXECUTIVE: What did they say?

ASSISTANT: There was the “They won’t believe you if you tell them” badge.

EXECUTIVE: Right.

ASSISTANT: The “This is your fault” badge.

EXECUTIVE: I see.

ASSISTANT: And the “Furry Finger” badge.

EXECUTIVE: Okay okay, I’ve heard enough.
This doesn’t look good for us. We need something to redeem the company. We let anything like this slip through our fingers again then we are in trouble.

ASSISTANT: Well there have been reports of a claim made a man who claims he was molested by Orville. We could run a report on Newsnight.

EXECUTIVE: Is that true?

ASSISTANT: (Pause) It’s true that I heard it.

EXECUTIVE: Do it.

ASSISTANT: What shall we do in the meantime, Sir?

EXECUTIVE: Well we will have to wait until the police carry out their investigation. In the mean time, take off any ‘Roland Rat’ footage or images off the website or BBC programming.

ASSISTANT: Okay. What should I replace him with?

EXECUTIVE: Jimmy Saville. That man can do no wrong.





UNLUCKY ARTIST: VOLUME 1 - AVAILABLE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Free comedy ebook, available on my page. It has gained over 100,000 views in five days. Take a look!!!!!!!!!!

Free Comedy E-book available on my page

Unlucky Artist: Volume 1 is a collection of scripts and sketches. It’s free and available on my page

over 41,000 hits for Unlucky Artist: Volume 1after first 24 hours

Early days, but thank you for everyone that has taken a look at Unlucky Artist: Volume 1. Hopefully we can hit 100,000 by next wednesday!

UNLUCKY ARTIST: VOLUME 1 - AVAILABLE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can find the free ebook on my Tumblr page. Download it, share it, Twitter it, Facebook it. Go crazy

Enjoy!

2 WEEKS AWAY……

2 WEEKS AWAY……

Unlucky Artist: Volume 1- SNEAK PREVIEW 2

This preview is from ‘The Band….Behind The Music’. It’s a documentary about the lives of the members of ‘The Band’.


THE BAND…..BEHIND THE MUSIC

MIKE: I had had enough. ‘The Band’ wasn’t the same as before and also wasn’t making the same standard of music as before. So I decided I wanted to do different things. There were lots of ideas thrown about. I was still taking a lot of drugs so I had some crazy ideas.

Mike’s career away from the band was a new start for him and he had ideas of where he wanted to take it.

MIKE: I wanted to do serious stuff and that’s where the idea for a documentary came from. We got the go ahead from TV bosses and we got on with it.

Mike’s documentary about disabled cartoon characters was set for a three part series but was axed by TV executives after Mike, in the first episode, suggested that the ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’ had been a bad person in a past life.

——————-

JOWETT: And when that fell through, he decided to have a go at conquering the book market. We were all interested to know what he was going to base on.

Mike claimed he knew unknown secrets about famous musicians and so decided to release “100 Unknown Shocking Facts About Musicians”. All of which, were untrue. The book was scrapped.

——————-

MIKE: Some of them were definitely true. The publishers must have been Michael Jackson fans.

——————-

JOWETT: We actually got a call from Chris Martin’s lawyers. Before pointing them in the right direction, they told us 88 out of the 100 “Shocking Unknown Facts” were about Coldplay’s front man.

——————-

MIKE: I got a call from my new management saying if we tried to take the book elsewhere, they would tear me a new arsehole. I was advised to drop it because we hadn’t got a lot of money for a decent lawyer, but I thought I knew better and looked for one anyway.

Mike decided to use his friend’a cut-price law firm, which specialised in child custody hearings. He lost.

JOWETT: The firm was called ‘Papa Don’t Breach’. He never stood a chance.

Genius

Unlucky Artist: Volume 1- SNEAK PREVIEW

This scene is from ‘The Shelter’ which will feature on Unlucky Artist: Volume 1. This preview shows ‘Jim’, the shelter owner, revealing a ulterior motive to running a talent show for his homeless residents

JIM: We have struggled with money a bit. We have tried ideas in the past to help raise money, like car washes.

Camera cuts to several semi naked homeless men throwing sponges at each other, next to a sign that says “Car wash” then cuts back to Jim standing in the hall way.

JIM CONT’D: And we also tried a sponsorship campaign, where for just £2 a month, you can sponsor one of our residents and each month you would get a letter from your homeless. Again, it didn’t really take off after some of the sponsors received threatening letters asking for ransoms for the safe return of their pets.

NARRATOR: Has it always been like this?

JIM: No, we used to be able to do a lot more for our residents. The last time we had any money left over, we took a few of the residents out for the Christmas night out, complete with fancy dress. It was a wonderful night! All of the residents wore Christmas jumpers from the charity shop. There was so many of us, we actually ran out of jumpers, so poor Amir decided he would wrap Christmas lights around him. He walked into the first bar with the clicker in his hand and cleared the pub

NARRATOR: How long ago was that?

JIM: Six years ago. But every year since, we have made do and hoped that our talent show winner can go on to do big things and hopefully not forget us (Rubs fingers together to the camera)



This next scene features the reporter (Narrator) getting to the bottom of the reason behind ‘Billy’ and the rest of the ‘Bad crowd’, being banned from the talent show

NARRATOR: Why do you feel you have been banned from even watching the talent show?

BILLY: They think we are going to disrupt things.

NARRATOR: Why?

BILLY: Because I won last year and that fairy didn’t like it!

NARRATOR: Really?

BILLY: Yeah!

MATTIE comes out with a water gun and chases the homeless away.

MATTIE: It’s probably best if you don’t talk to them.

Camera cuts to Jim sat inside his office.

JIM: (Agitated) NO, Billy didn’t win. He claims he did because his was the last act to perform before we had to shut down the show. I assume he didn’t tell you what his act consisted of?

NARRATOR: No.

JIM: Him and his little gang, spiked the refreshments with acid and then played Avatar on a projector screen. It took weeks to locate the missing people, some of which, we never saw again! The one’s we did find, can now smell colours. THAT is why they are not allowed in here.

MATTIE: Don’t worry we won’t let them in.

JIM: Good. Ooh can you fetch Murray, I need to look through his routine script, in case he has put anything that could be seemed as racist or stereotyping in there.

MATTIE: Sure, where is he?

JIM: I saw him near the sleeping quarters. Be careful to not wake to Spanish residents though, they will probably be kipping.